It will all be okay

Things are hard right now. Really hard.

My heart is broken and every day is difficult. Mothering 3 kids with a broken heart is treacherous.

However....

Tonight, Emma was in her pjs before bed. We were sitting in the livingroom in those last few moments before bedtime. She was snuggled up, standing between my legs. She looked up and gave me the best most beautiful smile. She just stared so lovingly at me with this amazing look on her face. I swear it was a message from God, it was that special and slightly eerie, yet beautiful, magical moment.

It was a sign that I will be okay. Not sure what it means for the direction I am going in but it was a clear sign to me that whatever is in store, the kids and I will be fine.

Thank you, thank you so much.

NH 2013

Wow, vacation is hard with a 14 month old. I am trying to see the fun and nice memories of each day but whoa it is exhausting. We came up to North Conway, NH to visit Storyland and Santa's Village. The boys are so excited but in that crazy bouncing off the walls way. They aren't listening, some bratty behavior and just hyped up all day long.

And Emma. She gets into everything so the hotel room is a disaster as she goes into all the drawers, takes out all the towels. She screams when we put her in the car. She fusses about going in her stroller. She cries and cries when I leave her with Bill. My day basically consists of keeping her happy and cool all day at these amusement parks while Bill and the boys go on rides. And I resent it. I want to go on rides with them. I want Bill to sit for hours with a toddler, trying to keep her entertained. It's lonely and hard work. Then the boys come running back at the end of the day with tales of great rides and slushies. Of course I want the boys to have fun but I want to share in it and see it first hand.

At dinner, I downed a glass of wine. I couldn't take it.

Mother's Day 2013

I had a lovely Mother's Day with some touching moments in it. The kids were excited to show me their presents from school.

Ryan made me a pin and was so happy to see me open it and wear it.

Drew made me a poster of things I love. I was confused by it. He wrote that I like "popsicles, yogurt, a stick and a flag". Hmmm.....

So I asked him more about it. He explained when he misses me at school he finds a cool stick or rock and thinks of me. Melt my heart! My poster had much more meaning than I originally thought.

I took initiative to make the rest of the day special since Bill was away on business. I took the kids out to a nice playground we don't normally go to with a stop at Starbucks for me on the way. Gave the boys a movie while Emma napped so I could read some of my book. And got dressed in a cute dress and scarf for dinner with Mom, Dad, Lauren and Rami. Seems ridiculously small, these things I did, but it helped me feel special to an otherwise typical day.

And now I am sitting on the couch as the babes sleep and I look at my mantle, filled with cards, flowers and the kids' gifts, and I feel loved.

What would I say to this girl?

I am in a whirlwind. I feel confused, like I can't see things clearly. And yet if a friend told me all this, I would offer advice. I'd see her situation clearly yet I can't see my own? Does that make sense?

Here's what's happening:

Emma is a high needs baby. I am labeling her. Everyone that sees her thinks she's an angel. However they don't see her when she needs me to hold her for hours. She needs me to sit on the floor as she plays--not in a chair, but on the floor one foot away from her. If I get up, she screams. She still wakes up at night for reassurance. The boys never did this. Once they didn't need to eat at night they would sleep. No, Emma needs to see me at least once a night for a cuddle.

After school, Emma usually takes a short nap. I am desperate to do homework then so I can concentrate on Andrew without Emma's demands pulling me away. I try not to stress too much and announce happily "OK time for homework!" but Andrew doesn't always want to do it then. But he needs to do homework when I say it's time. He doesnt understand I am desperate to get it done then, and I don't want to explain to him it all revolves around Emma. I don't want to assign blame to her.

Ryan needs alone time to foster him. He needs confidence and is overshadowed by Andrew often. He thrives when I give him undivided attention so I try to do it at least once a day, during Emma's naps.

By the end of a day, I am so tired. I am dying to get them to bed. I want to be alone. I don't want to talk. I want to do what I want. This doesn't go over well with Bill. He feels rejected that I don't want to talk to him. But he doesn't understand what it's like to be at the whim of kids for 12 straight hours.

And I feel like people think I have to easy because I stay at home and my only job is to watch the kids. I feel like I don't have an excuse to complain or ask for help.

Peanut butter, NO!!!

Ahh, Emma. I am not used to you pulling up and cruising. I am learning fast! Andrew left half a PBJ sandwich on the coffee table. I turned to get Ryan something and you swiped it from the table. I see you, sitting on the floor happily munching on the peanut butter sandwich.

 "NO!!! Emma!!"

You were scared of me yelling and grabbing the sandwich out of your (very tight) grasp--you really liked that sandwich!

I looked up signs for allergic reactions and watched you like a hawk for a few hours. You were fine. But lesson learned: no more food left around for your little hands to grab!

"You're breaking my heart!"

Ahhh.....Drew. I wouldn't let him stay up late tonight. He was exhausted, running on fumes so I wanted him in bed as soon as possible. He wasn't happy I took his extra time away and had to go to bed with Ryan. He was carrying on and all upset. I wouldn't budge, sticking to my guns.

He sobs, "Mommy you're breaking my heart!!!"

Ugh, I came SO close to giving into him. It broke MY heart to hear I broke his heart!

We hugged. He got over it. He went to bed.

Happy children sing

I am sitting, listening to Ryan sing to himself as he plays. So cute. Drew's allergist says happy children sing. Ahh, it's nice to see Ryan happy. Sometimes he's so quiet and introverted. I love to see him express himself!