Needing to write

This Newtown shooting is so hard. I am struggling, privately, with it. I feel almost silly but I cry every day about it. I am scared that the world is scary. I am scared faith isn't enough to protect you.

I drop Andrew at school and I see all the teachers saying hello, quietly implying "it is fine, we are ok, your kids will be safe". It is a weird vibe.

I read the eulogies and how beautifully these parents are honoring their babies. I think how hard it must be to write that final note to your baby.

I see little notes written by the surviving children to their best friends that have passed. They are too young to say good bye to their best friends. I think of Lisa and what it's like to continue living, missing your friend.

I think of Carla and Jim, living without Owen and how this dredges up deep, painful empathy.

I put Andrew to sleep and he asks "why did the bad man do that? what is heaven like? are there toys in heaven? are the kids bones now?" I want a parenting manual on this. I have no idea how to answer this. Although there is solace that I won't lie to him, just explain things simply and remind him how beautiful heaven is and that the children are so happy there. We did his first bedtime prayer that night.

I don't want to be melodramatic on this. In fact, people do not realize how upset I am about it. Between the loss of Owen O'Brien and now this, it makes me feel like none of my kids are safe. At least it's another reminder to enjoy the little moments but I want my security back.