The world

I took the kids into Columbia yesterday for their kids day, where the students practice evaluating kids. It was fun, kids enjoyed it. But I walked away feeling so out of touch.  Lauren and Rami were talking with their professors/colleagues, the students were all eagerly learning and talking amoungst themselves. It was like this whole world was going and I am there on the sidelines with the kids.

I feel like the world is passing me by.

I miss working, I miss business and being smart. I miss getting excited about marketing, business plans, financials. My brain is mush.

BUT, I am ok with staying at home. I think it's much better for my kids. This is what I signed up for.

It's a sacrifice for me. And I wonder if I am a good role model for my kids as a woman.

I think it's great I have the time to hang out with the kids and do what they need. But no one realizes how difficult it is. I crave to go out to eat in a restaurant. I want to wear cute clothes and my hair down but Emma spits and drools on me and pulls my hair incessantly--so Old Navy clothes and pony tail it is. All day long from 6am-8pm someone needs something.....all the time! It is demanding. And when Bill is gone, which is basically every week, it is down right ridicously hard.

I think if Bill realized how much effort I put into the kids he would give me breaks a lot more. But I need to force him to give me child-free time. Very frustrating.

I try to remind myself of the benefits. I could go to work, put them in day care, miss them terribly and have the kids pay the price for me having adult interaction. Plus working isn't THAT much fun. It would lose its appeal quickly.

But as I stood in that Columbia room, watching all these conversations, I felt stuck in my world of diapers and chicken nuggets. It made me sad. Sad that I miss this outside world but also sad that I won't see the benefits of my hard work for years to come. Good parenting takes years to unfold good kids-and God, whose to say I am doing it right??